I am so fucking exhausted. I think I spent a total of 6 hours at home this weekend. And that was just to sleep on Saturday morning.
God so yesterday I was out with friends and this girl told us about some cool place to go hike to and preceded to make a map. But we were all stoned and she didn’t finish it so once we got to the end of the map we ventured up all these fuckig hills and got absolutely no where.
Then, we decide to get weed and go to this dealers house, as we were all chilling in the van deciding where to go, my friends recently ex boyfriend walks by and made it awkward.
Then we head back to our original park, and her other ex is there.
So we decided to steal alcohol and my friend knew of some place to on the hills and said it would be an easy stroll. No, it’s pitch black and fuckin scaling mountains. Once we get there, we build a fire and relax for awhile.
Then we end up at in and out to meet more friends and run into this guy and his friends which wa awkward again but that’s a whole other story. They all went to some hippie party an Chris and i went back to his house and watched anime on silent with trance music playing and had sex.
It was honestly a weird ass day and my legs are sore and I have cut all over my feet and I had to get up so early to go to a lame therapist appointment and I have work.
“Thoughts intercepted, instinct over language, hard evidence shaved away with a potato peeler. Soft pile awaiting inspection, never to be disappointed or reappointed. Nervously chewing ice. Windshield wiper, carnival attractions, BIG BRIGHT lights to swoon you into reaction. First contact. Satellite frequency bounces. Scooped up like a baby in a house fire. Like a ground ball in left field. Stick em up. Reach for the sky. This is a robbery. This is contact. Like a walk-through gone funny, or a waterfall gon rapid. Or a stopwatch, and a fever…”
I swore you said “I love you” in
The back of his van.
You told me to be quiet so
We can have fun as your
Dad made pancakes next door.
I heard you say I fixed your back
And threw it out in the same day.
You hold my hand and give me old
Name tags and I give you uniforms I stole from work so you can
Remember me when you go to everywhere.
I swore you said “I love you”
I’m pretty sure it was “hello” because no one says I love you when there is an expiration date in five weeks.
God I don’t want you to go. Ever, at all. I want to stay in your car, in your bed, on the stairs, on the grass until my skin rots. I want you to wrap my feet in blankets cause they’re always cold as I put your hands in mine cause they are also cold. I want to continuously be with you, and occasionally your friends. I want you to wait for his probation to start and then end cause that gives me just that much more time.
But I don’t want to be selfish and I don’t want to be clingy. You’re the first to take interest and the first to actually care. You listen to what I have to say and only do what I want to.
But if you leave in a month, it will never turn sour. We will never have to fight cause this obviously won’t last on the road. And maybe I can visit you, but I’ve only thought about this in my head. And maybe when you come home, I’ll still be here. But maybe I won’t.
I just want to make the best of this month, give or take a few days. Because right now, I am the happiest I have been in a really long time.
I almost wish you just kept walking and did not stop in to talk. And I wish I did go get coffee and that I didn’t let you take me to that place on the hill. I should have said to only be friends and I should not have let you kiss me, hold me, tell me adorable. I should not have allowed myself to be happy when I know, for certain, and you do too, that you are just going to leave in 2 months. I don’t want you to leave now but I know you have to and it’s what you really want. You better make these next two months the best two month I can ever have in my life.